STILL Learning how to Love...

            A couple of weeks ago I (Elaina) decided to stop taking the bus to work at Shanti Dan, and instead I started walking.  It is about a 20-minute walk but for reasons unknown to me, I was compelled to do so.  I have spent plenty of time walking alone in downtown Kolkata, but we live in the boondocks and the atmosphere is a little different here.  It quickly became obvious to me that seeing a foreigner around these parts is a rare occurrence.  Even though I had lived in Kolkata for many weeks, the first time I walked alone to work was stressful.  It got a little easier with each passing day, but even now I still feel exposed the second I leave my safe bubble. 

Every morning I take a deep breath, walk out of the gates at Seva Kendra, and take a sharp right to begin my trek to Shanti Dan.  If I haven’t done so already, I am quickly reminded to put on my reflective sunglasses.  I then put in my headphones to block out the things that I don’t want to hear.  We live across from a school, so there are usually students of all ages hanging around outside.  I smile at the small children who wave to me, and I cringe at the group of teenage girls who point and laugh.  I continue walking as motorcycles and taxis whiz by me within inches of hitting me.  Old, crippled people and families with small children beg me for money – successfully tearing at my heartstrings.  Boys and men shout things to me from across the street or purposefully get in my way, trying to get a reaction out of me.  I pretend like I can’t hear them because of my headphones, but in reality I hear every piercing word.  My vulnerability becomes even more apparent to me as I try my hardest to ignore the stares, the glares, and the laughter.  Parents even point at me to calm their crying children, because my white skin and foreign clothing is such a distraction.  I continue on my way, determined to stay strong.  I step around the piles of garbage, avoid the cows that try to sniff me, and do anything I can think of to avoid drawing attention to myself.    

As you can probably imagine, all of the attention that I receive on my morning walk used to infuriate me.  I wanted to scream at the boys who said lewd things to me.  I wanted to turn around and slap the man who wouldn’t stop following me.  I wanted to stand on my head in the middle of the road and shout at the top of my lungs, just to really give them something to stare at.  After a few days of feeling this way, I realized that my heart was SO in the wrong place.  It was full of hatred towards these people – hatred towards the very people that I had come halfway across the world to serve.  I cannot control how they act towards me, but I can control how I act towards them.  God put me on this Earth to love my fellow human being – even the ones that do not show love towards me.  “Love your enemies. Pray for those who persecute you.”  (Matthew 5:44) And that’s exactly what I do now.  I smile at the girls who taunt me.  I say a little prayer for the men who disrespect me.  I ask God to help those who cannot help themselves.  I think about the numerous wonderful and loving Indian people that I have also met. Nothing about my morning walk has changed except for my attitude.  Now my heart is full of love for these people.  I thought I had learned all of the lessons that India had to teach me – But here I am 9 weeks later, STILL learning how to love.  And I couldn’t be happier about it.  

So much love!!

Elaina