A mid summer reflection.
My summer in Kolkata has been a summer of realizations. It started about two weeks ago, when I realized that Kolkata, with all its serious problems, is not going to break me like I had hoped. This was big news for my soul, because in coming here, I assumed that I would be incredibly challenged, thrust into the heart of suffering and hurt, and forced to work my way out of it. This did not happen. Instead, I coped. Humans are amazing like that - we can have hardened hearts in even the most disturbing situations.
And thus, last week, my second big realization came about: I needed to be begging for God's grace to break me. I needed to be praying with the entire strength of my will that I would be able to recognize the ordinary moments of opportunity to learn how to love. If I want to come back to America a changed woman, I need to be participating in my own transformation.
This past week, then, has been a week of serious reflection and prayer and crying and silence and hope. I've been reading Divine Mercy in my Soul - the Diary of Sr. M. Faustina Kolwalska (now a Catholic saint), and it's blown me away. Never in my life have I read such a sincere account of a contemporary's overwhelming love and passion for Christ, including the constant suffering she takes on herself on behalf of other souls. I can only get through a few pages at a time, because it's so rich with wisdom.
Besides reading that, I've been attempting to go to Adoration more routinely, though it's honestly a struggle. I am so quick to justify not going that every evening, it seems, I pit my will against the will of my Father. Thankfully, I'm on a losing streak. Adoration has been so healing and fruitful, especially this week. Several new thoughts have surfaced in my mind, and I'm working on processing each one as it comes.
While I cannot divulge exactly what the Lord is doing (I hardly know myself), I recognize that my soul is terrified of letting itself be totally and completely loved, which is what would happen if I fully submitted my will to God's. My mind knows the Truth - I will be FREE, FULFILLED, and JOYFUL if I let go of "Heidemarie" and replace her with Christ… but it's still a huge struggle. That has become my third and most important realization so far: I've got an iron grip on my will, and it's tormenting my soul.
Still, there's grace. And that is my one hope.
As I've been working through this realization, I've found another book called "Discerning the Will of God" which details, through the stories of others, the Ignatian path to discerning God's Will. It's a short book, but I'm reading it slowly so that I can make sure my heart is prepared for each step as it comes. The very first step (and the one I'm subsequently stuck on) calls for me to grow in my relationship with Jesus, truly learning about what He has done for me and what He calls me to do. My "homework," as of last night, is to meditate on the Gospels, which I'm not accustomed to doing. Meditation in general is something that I struggle with, because I'm so easily distracted, so this is going to be an interesting battle.
Still, there's grace. And that is my one hope.
Before I end this post, I can only imagine that some of you might be wondering why I decided to post something like this, since it's not very similar to our previous posts. The answer is simple: I think we've only been representing a small slice of ourselves to you, and I wanted to start remedying that by sharing more.
I can only speak for myself in that I know that my flaws have become so transparent while I've been here, and I'm often ashamed of myself and my behavior. Yet, I hope this post reveals some of those flaws, because I know that the clearer you see me as the utter sinner I am, the greater God's glory will be as He changes me from the inside out. I am nothing in and of myself, but the dignity that I am given through the grace of Christ Jesus, Savior of the WORLD, justifies and illuminates my existence, giving me worth beyond compare.
And that will always be my one hope: grace.
A.M.D.G.
My summer in Kolkata has been a summer of realizations. It started about two weeks ago, when I realized that Kolkata, with all its serious problems, is not going to break me like I had hoped. This was big news for my soul, because in coming here, I assumed that I would be incredibly challenged, thrust into the heart of suffering and hurt, and forced to work my way out of it. This did not happen. Instead, I coped. Humans are amazing like that - we can have hardened hearts in even the most disturbing situations.
And thus, last week, my second big realization came about: I needed to be begging for God's grace to break me. I needed to be praying with the entire strength of my will that I would be able to recognize the ordinary moments of opportunity to learn how to love. If I want to come back to America a changed woman, I need to be participating in my own transformation.
This past week, then, has been a week of serious reflection and prayer and crying and silence and hope. I've been reading Divine Mercy in my Soul - the Diary of Sr. M. Faustina Kolwalska (now a Catholic saint), and it's blown me away. Never in my life have I read such a sincere account of a contemporary's overwhelming love and passion for Christ, including the constant suffering she takes on herself on behalf of other souls. I can only get through a few pages at a time, because it's so rich with wisdom.
Besides reading that, I've been attempting to go to Adoration more routinely, though it's honestly a struggle. I am so quick to justify not going that every evening, it seems, I pit my will against the will of my Father. Thankfully, I'm on a losing streak. Adoration has been so healing and fruitful, especially this week. Several new thoughts have surfaced in my mind, and I'm working on processing each one as it comes.
While I cannot divulge exactly what the Lord is doing (I hardly know myself), I recognize that my soul is terrified of letting itself be totally and completely loved, which is what would happen if I fully submitted my will to God's. My mind knows the Truth - I will be FREE, FULFILLED, and JOYFUL if I let go of "Heidemarie" and replace her with Christ… but it's still a huge struggle. That has become my third and most important realization so far: I've got an iron grip on my will, and it's tormenting my soul.
Still, there's grace. And that is my one hope.
As I've been working through this realization, I've found another book called "Discerning the Will of God" which details, through the stories of others, the Ignatian path to discerning God's Will. It's a short book, but I'm reading it slowly so that I can make sure my heart is prepared for each step as it comes. The very first step (and the one I'm subsequently stuck on) calls for me to grow in my relationship with Jesus, truly learning about what He has done for me and what He calls me to do. My "homework," as of last night, is to meditate on the Gospels, which I'm not accustomed to doing. Meditation in general is something that I struggle with, because I'm so easily distracted, so this is going to be an interesting battle.
Still, there's grace. And that is my one hope.
Before I end this post, I can only imagine that some of you might be wondering why I decided to post something like this, since it's not very similar to our previous posts. The answer is simple: I think we've only been representing a small slice of ourselves to you, and I wanted to start remedying that by sharing more.
I can only speak for myself in that I know that my flaws have become so transparent while I've been here, and I'm often ashamed of myself and my behavior. Yet, I hope this post reveals some of those flaws, because I know that the clearer you see me as the utter sinner I am, the greater God's glory will be as He changes me from the inside out. I am nothing in and of myself, but the dignity that I am given through the grace of Christ Jesus, Savior of the WORLD, justifies and illuminates my existence, giving me worth beyond compare.
And that will always be my one hope: grace.
A.M.D.G.
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If you're interested in Ignatian Spirituality, another book, one of my favorites, is, Inner Compass: An Invitation to Ignatian Spirituality, by Margaret Silf.
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