UNbroken

 I suppose it is my turn to share my thoughts with you! - Elaina    


It’s hard for me to believe, but we have reached the halfway mark of our journey.  We have called Kolkata our home for the last five weeks and we will remain here for five more.  It seems like just yesterday I was stumbling through the chaotic streets, panicking about what was around me, and wondering how I was going to live here for almost an entire summer.  There were definitely moments where I didn’t think I could make it, and a few times I had to ask the big guy upstairs WHY He would send me to such an insane place.  As the days passed, my attitude about Kolkata changed for the better.  Before I knew it I was riding the buses with ease, trying foods on the street, making new friends, and showing the other new volunteers around.  I didn’t think I could grow to love a place like this, but thankfully God has given me the grace to do so.  

I'm getting quite used to the unflattering pictures that Heide is able to take :)

            We meet a lot of new volunteers each day and the three questions on their mind are always, “What is your name?”, “Where are you from?,” and “Why are you here?”  The first two are pretty easy, assuming I’ve had enough sleep, but the last one always gets me.   For one, I am not as open to talking about my feelings as some volunteers, and secondly I wasn’t even sure for myself.  Why was I in India?  Obviously I wanted to try and make a difference and to help those in need.  But as for the more selfish reasons – similar to Heide, I originally told myself that I needed to be broken.  I wanted to be torn to pieces and shown the worst of the worst – hoping that something positive would come of it.  Then one day a volunteer questioned my motives.  What exactly does it mean to “be broken?” I didn’t have the slightest idea how to answer and frankly I realized it’s a little dramatic sounding.  That’s when I started to pray a little harder, trying to really figure out how I ended up here and what I actually wanted for myself after I leave. 

            Until now I had been very worried that this summer wouldn’t change me in the slightest.  I felt bad that God sent me all the way to Kolkata, India, and I wasn’t learning whatever lesson he was trying to teach me.  I was having such a great time volunteering and seeing my girls every day, but I didn’t feel broken and my soul didn’t feel ripped to shreds.   Yes, there is a lot of sadness here, but the hope and beauty that I see as well, outshines it by a long shot.  I had essentially given up trying to figure out why God would want me here.  Then one day while I was on my way home, everything sort of “clicked”.  I was on a bus crossing a bridge over the Ganges River, looking out over the water, when suddenly it became quite obvious to me.  God did NOT send me here so that I could become “broken”, I think he sent me here so that I can build myself up. Perhaps He sent me here so that I can become stronger.  After I came to this conclusion, everything else started to fall into place in my head.  I haven’t been failing for the past five weeks. I’ve been doing exactly what I was sent here for. 

As soon as I got home, I started to look through the notebook I have been keeping for the past few weeks and I was so surprised at the things I had written.  I was surprised because it didn’t sound like me.  Or maybe it didn’t sound like the OLD me.  It wasn’t the usual small-minded stuff I would expect from myself back home (School sucks, relationships are hard, he said she said, etc…..)  Instead I saw things like “I want my parents to be proud of every decision I make, even the ones they don’t know about.” And “ I wonder if my best friend knows that I love her because she challenges me to be a better person.”  These words, and many more, were not written by the girl that I left behind in Boise.  They were written by someone who with the help of God, is growing up and well on her way to becoming the person she has always wanted to be.  Without even realizing it, these last five weeks have changed me drastically.  They have made me stronger, taught me how to love, and most importantly vamped up my relationship with God.  And this is only the halfway mark……

Much love!

Eli